Angel Babies...

I began reading Jodi Picoult when I was in college.  Disabilities Literature class my Jr/Sr year of college was one of the most intriguing classes I've ever taken.  We had to read "My Sister's Keeper" and that was that; i was hooked on Jodi's books.  Since then I've read a ton of them.  I anticipate them being released and when I have time, I'll go back and read one of her older ones.  They're the only books that I actually take time and read for fun.  So for the past 2 months I've been anxiously awaiting the release of her newest book, "Sing You Home".  I didn't really know a ton about it except the controversial isssue it was talking about was same sex marriage/parenting.  I began reading it this past weekend while I was judging in Arkansas...

Within the first 10 pages I knew this book was going to be super hard for me to read... It's about a woman's struggle with infertility and the heartache of a miscarriage.  I wouldn't necessarily say that Rob and I experienced "fertility issues"... we wanted a 2nd baby and we began trying- unsuccessfully for about 6 months.  This seemed like an eternity to us since we had conceived Sam while on birth control and had no desire for a baby at the time.  We then found out we were pregnant and it was like I could finally breathe again.  We were so excited... until the morning I was 10 weeks pregnant and knew instantly that it had ended. 

The flood of emotions is not even something I could begin to describe to someone who hasn't gone through a miscarriage.  It's something I've not spoken about to ANYONE up until the past few months.  As I was reading this book there was a part that struck me so profoundly that I began crying (alone in my hotel room) because it was so real to me.  In the book, the woman is speaking to a friend 2 months after she's lost the baby and she laughs out loud about something and then quickly hides her face and composes herself.  Her friend reminds her that it's okay to laugh sometimes and she responds with "I feel like it's not.  Like it means none of this mattered to me".  This moment in the book made me go back to the moment I found out I was pregnant with Maicey.  It was only a month after the miscarriage and I found myself feeling something other then heartache for the first time in weeks... and I was guilty about it.  I was so excited that God had given me another chance to carry a baby, but it still didn't take away that emptiness in my heart for the baby I lost.  I felt like I'd be betraying the memory of our Angel Baby if I whole heartedly accepted this new baby in me.  It was something I struggled with for months.  

A lot of people were there for support when I went through that time in my life, and I'm so greatful to them.  I'm sure I'd have never gotten through it without them.  I mean no disrespect to them when I say this, but unfortunitely nothing any of them could say could take away the pain that I had.  Not one of them knew what I felt like when I woke up in the morning and felt like I couldn't even breathe.  None of them stop every year on December 9th and wonder what that baby would have looked like.  It's still a struggle for me... but of course if that angel had stayed with me, we wouldn't have our Maicey... who I wouldn't trade for the world.  So now I get them both... one I can hold in my arms, the other just in my heart. 

The second "loss" (which I've always found to be an ammusing word to describe a miscarriage... it's not like a set of keys or something) I didn't know about until well after it happened.  When I went back for my 6 week check up after Maicey was born, my midwife said to me, "we got the lab results back and found that Maicey's twin "expired" somewhere in the first trimester."   That was unexpected... and as I attempted to process, Maicey began screaming in her car seat- and it made perfect sense.  There was no way in the world I could possibly handle two of her...  The only way that I know to describe the difference between the two miscarriages is this: Imagine finding out that you were passed up for a job a year ago that you didn't even know you were being considered.  It stings a little, but you move on.  In contrast imagine preparing for an interview, getting your resume polished, and picking out your furniture to put in the new office.  Then being offered the job only for it to be taken away in a poof.  Now, obviously in heart I love both of those angels the same... I just had a different connection with them.  Jodi Picoult says in her book "You have to understand what you're missing to know what you've lost"... couldn't have said it better myself Jodi :)

I never thought I'd post about this... I have tried for 4 years to keep this story to myself, because I can't stand the thought of bringing up these emotions again, but strangely enough I'm feeling a little lighter now.  I guess it's because even if no one reads this post, I will still know it's always here; sort of like my angel babies on my heart...